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What your coffee says about you

If you rely on the murky jolt of java to get through the day, then brew, this one is for you

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By Viné Lucas | July 20, 2018 | Travel Leisure

Words: Buntu Ngcuka

 

Do you rely on the deep, murky jolt of java to get you through the day, or power through a big work report by inserting caffeine directly into your aorta and mainlining it until you tremble like Leonardo DiCaprio on Quaaludes? Then brew, this one is for you.

 

Americano

We bumped into dairy the other day and the dude wants to know why you aren’t returning his phone calls? A purist at the core and a no-nonsense Neville often accused of being stuck in your ways with little to no room for any variety, I doubt you’ll even get passed this list because you have more important things to do. You enjoy the simpler things in life, and what really stirs your tastebuds are picnics, reading the newspaper, birds chirping and watery coffee. Live a little, NEV!

 

Caffe Latte

You’re definitely still friends with your crush. The fortified people pleaser and all-round nice guy. Martha? Martha Stewart is that you? Unfortunately, the fact that you prefer the Milky Way tells me that you’re seeking comfort in the softer side of life. The sheer wankiness attached to uttering the word ‘latte’ might just reveal more about your level of immaturity than you intend. You’re the type of person who will arrive at a braai with your own ice, apron, tongs, beer and basting rather than letting the host, well, host.

 

 

Cortado

Well, now you’re just showing off.

 

Espresso

Typically, you don’t like too much ‘ spice’ in your life and if you do you have to cook with it. Headstrong with something to prove, you often get a little moody and intense just to prove how hardcore you can be. But just like your too-hot-to-sip coffee, your ideals can also be slightly unrealistic. (Oooh, burn)

 

Cappuccino

You’re definitely the most put together adult that I’ve ever met. Two sugars? Standard Margarita? Tap water with lemon? We have admin, traffic and weather to talk about! A cappuccino is like the worst girlfriend you’ve ever had. You’ll be seduced and abandoned all over again by her average taste and below standard status. Expect the same results and you’ll get them. (YAWNS.)

 

Nonfat cappuccino

Stop it.

 

 

Caffe Mocha

Ah! I call this the bona fide gateway coffee potion. You like the best of both worlds, don’t you? Having your cake and eating it too. You love to treat yourself and lie about wearing the same underwear two days in a row. You’re the surf ‘n turf of the coffee world my friend, and it’s a joy to watch you play.

 

Macchiato

Oh wait, this is a real thing? Master Flava Flave you laugh in the face of health risks, and lethargy! ha ha HEART!

 

 

Instant Coffee

Like finding a hair in my soup, instant coffee leaves a bad taste in my mouth. You can’t have very good taste, you lazy sonnavabish. It’s a sad world where you won’t make the effort to enjoy the real deal, like going to watch the 3D movie but skimping on the glasses. Would you at least take those socks off the next time you have sex?

 

Iced Coffee

You like straws, we get it. But you’re a jetsetter, trendsetter, go-getter. You were the kid in the Nike Cortez enjoying way too many toppings on your pizza and always asking for second helpings. Your mouth is too precious to burn with piping hot coffee and you probably keep the same distance from your relationships as you do from your bendy straw. I know, I know, ice cold.

 

¾ Non fat latte half-caf, half skim, half soy with an extra shot … and a twist of lemon

Okay here’s the skinny, you live your life through the Valencia filter on Instagram. Putting anything as silly as liquids on a pedestal means you’re coming across like a used car salesman – a special breed, who most definitely would consider befriending a squirrel.

 

Click here to read more on the different types of coffees every coffee lovely needs to know

 

Which coffee personality are you?

— House & Garden SA (@HouseGardenSA) July 20, 2018

 

 

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